Tony's past
by heart-break-witness
Summary: first NCIS fan fic. father son b/w gibbs and DiNozzo. Gibbs is back from Mexico and notices something is not quite right with Tony... delves deep in to the past of Tony DiNozzo... and everything he is hiding about his past... (Mentions of alcohol, drugs and violence) hoping to do a sequel, give it a try and let me know ! hope you enjoy in T only because i am paraniod


Hiiiii, so this is my first NCIS story! So I hope you like it. All and any reviews are welcome, features Tony and Gibbs but it is more a back story for Tony. I'm hoping to do a sequel but not sure yet!

I do not own any of the characters and some story plots and quotes have been drawn from the movie Homeless to Harvard!

Hope you like it….

Also it is not beta'd so all mistakes are mine, characters are AU. PLEASE REVIEW love it or hate it i want to be a better writter and i can't do that without your help!

enjoy

Gibbs had been back from Mexico for just over 6 months now, but every now and again he would catch his senior field agent watching him. His gut was telling him that something was wrong, something was very wrong. However, he couldn't understand what. The case they had been working on was gruelling sure, but so was every other case. This one wasn't particularly horrible. Yet there Tony was, winding up Ziva and McGee, with bags under his eyes and a pale complexion. No, Tony did not look very good. The weight loss was evident by the expensive suit he was wearing, normally tailored to his slim and athletic build; it seemed to merely hang off his frame.

He could tell that Tony was trying extremely hard to not show the pain underneath. His clown mask was back up as though it had been super glued to his face. A goofy smile was plaster on his face as argued with McGee. Gibbs looked at the clock and realised that it was already 22:00, it's now or never he thought.

"Alright guys it's late grab ya gear and head home, get some rest, I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning"

The look on McGee and Ziva's face was comical, the relief of getting away from Tony almost made him laugh. Until he saw the way Tony's face fell when he thought no one was watching him. Secretly wishing he really could read mind Gibbs stood up and walked over to Tony's desk, startling him.

"Whoa Gibbs, didn't see ya there" he smiled. He was always good at undercover work.

"Cowboy steaks at my house tonight if ya interested" and with that he left, leaving the decision totally up to Tony. He knew that Tony would come, always a loyal ST Bernard that kid. The only question was, in what state he would show up.

4 hours later a drunk Tony stumbled down the stairs to the basement where Gibbs was working on his latest boat. A boat that was strong on the outside but beautifully delicate and sensitive on the inside. He already knew the name of this boat.

Gibbs gave Tony the steak that he had cooked and went back to working. Neither of them spoke for a while. Content to just sit there and watch the other. Finally Tiny decided to break the silence.

"Why are you still here Gibbs?" His voice husky, Gibbs looked up into eyes that were already filled with tears. He knew this was going to be along night.

"What do ya mean DiNozzo? This is my house" he kept his voice light, his face playful but his mind was already spinning, was this about Mexico?

"I just meant I thought you would rather be in Mexico, lying on the beach, or did I screw up the team so bad that you had to stay?" Gibbs looked up sharply at this statement. Tony had turned his gaze to the ground, shuffling his feet.

"You didn't screw up DiNozzo, you did a great job, I'm back now, back for good" Gibbs cursed his communication skills. He preferred to let his actions speak for him. Hell three ex-wife's should prove that.

You'll do" He looked directly into Gibbs eyes. "You left and all you had to say way 'you'll do'. Every god damn day I had to fight to keep the team safe. The questioned me, ignored me, I was the team leader and yet it was as if I didn't mean anything. In addition, you. You. You were like a father to me. How could you just up and leave like that, I mean I know I'm no prize but what about the team, what about Abby. Did you know that she had photos of you everywhere? I couldn't go into her lab without seeing your face. In addition, every day they would remind me that I'm not you. Every day I would look at my reflection and it would tell me that I wouldn't make it through. I had no one Gibbs, no one. In addition, you were here and then you were gone. You ran away and you left me to pick up your pieces. How could you." The flood gates had well and truly opened know, and Gibbs had no idea how to stop it. He knew the young man's childhood hadn't been great but to think of him as a father figure, Gibbs just didn't understand. Tony however seemed to read his mind.

"Everyone thinks that I had everything growing up. That I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I wasn't Gibbs. My father would leave for months at a time and my mother was an alcoholic, she was a drug addict. On her good days she was beautiful, on her bad days she would scream and cry, tear her hair out and scratch her arms until she drew blood. I would do anything for her, just to see her smile. God I wanted that smile. I was pathetic."

Gibbs had read his file, he knew that there was more to his past then what was shown there but to hear those words come out of his mouth, Gibbs was shocked.

"I looked at her like a god, she was what I thought I would find everywhere in the world. However, I thought it was ok that they didn't look into my needs because there needs were so much more. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset that they didn't see me, they were my parents. But then the world came in. time and time again my mother was committed to the hospital, the drugs would cause her to lose herself, once she even through the cat out of the window." the hollow laugh that followed caused Gibbs to drop the tools in his hand a walk over to Tony. Tears were starting to flow down his face; his body was beginning to shake. He needed this, he needed to let go of everything that he had bottled. He was carrying his life as a burden and it was time to let go. In addition, this time Gibbs would be there for him.

"What happened next Tony?" Gibbs whispered, trying to soothe him and encourage him to keep talking. Tony looked into his eyes. Defeat had taken over him.

"I loved it when my mother came back from the hospital, she was my mum again, she cooked and cleaned and we watched movies, well before the drugs came back in. Then one time she was sick when she came home. The last time she came home she told me she was dying. My father had left on his business trip; it was just her and me. I showed her my school test, I had gotten 100 on it, I was so proud, but she just looked at it. Her eyes became clouded and she kept saying 'I'm sick, I'm sick'... she had Aids. The drugs were finally going to kill her. She left, trying to escape my father and trying to run away from the past. I was pushed from boarding school to boarding school. My father told me it was so I could 'figure out my life'" Tony snorted, wiping a hand across his face he turned to Gibbs" figure out my life...do people really figure out there life? Do they do that when they are falling down a deep dark hole? Each boarding school I was locked in, it was like visiting my mother only this time I was in the crazy house. Eventually I made my way back home, and I found my mother again, she had bruises all over her. Once my father saw me he slammed me against the wall, telling me how I had failed him, because I wanted a career in sports and not the family business. He went to the bar and I stood there looking at the women who use to be my mother. We went out to dinner, she kissed me and we hugged. When I think about my past, this is what I like to remember, we would go to the cafe and sit and talk and eat pizza. For a while I had my mother back again. In addition, we would talk about our memories, our life in between the drugs. Time after time though she would leave me there while she went to get more drugs, I knew my family was falling apart again. I had thought that if I had just done what I was told I would have been the glue to hold everything together. However, I couldn't even do that. That was that, there was no going back. That part of my life was over it was time for the new life to begin." Tony had stopped crying but Gibbs could see that she was on the edge.

"You see my mother was dying. I remember telling her over and over that I loved her, and she would lie in that bed shaking, staring back at me. That was the first time I really cried. My father was gone. I had to look after her. My father always put on the charade that we were rich, that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but that wasn't the case. When he did have money he took it and ran. Therefore, I was working 2 jobs and trying to get through school. Trying to make something of myself. Guess that didn't work very well."

In addition, with that he looked at Gibbs his eyes filled with so much pain and grief, that Gibbs was heartbroken. This man was abandoned his whole life. Left to fend for himself in a world that was ready to tear him down. In addition, when it did he had nowhere to run too. No security, no hope. Gibbs was finally understanding. Tony had found a father in him, someone to look up to, someone to run too when things became too much. In addition, Gibbs had left him. Just like everyone else. DiNozzo began to talk again, snapping Gibbs out of his trance...

"My mum would come home drunk and it was up to me to look after her, through the crying, the screaming through everything. I would bath her, cook for her do anything. I would put her to sleep and watch over her, I mean she couldn't even take living so how was she supposed to take dying? My father would come home and tell me what a joke I am. I was never going to be good enough for him. But I would still do anything for him, I mean his my father." Gibbs was furious, with himself and angry with these people who dared to call themselves parents. He couldn't imagine inflicting this kind of pain onto Kelly. He looked at Tony and realised that this man had really become a son to him.

"I was 12 when my mother finally died. I remember going to the bar to pick her up where she went every night, every night. However, she wasn't there. Instead the people sitting at the bar looked at me and told me she had died. Gibbs I wasn't there. I wasn't able to tell her that I still loved her, I wasn't able to say goodbye. Therefore, I ran. I ran up to the roof of the apartment blocks we were staying at a sat there in the rain for hours. What could I do? I was 12." Tears were beginning to fall as Tony remember the past. Gibbs could do nothing but ball his fists until his knuckles were white. Silently he wished for a long and painful death for DiNozzo Senior. Tony wasn't the one who failed here. He was a child for God's sake. Gibbs knew there was more to the story but suddenly he really didn't want to hear it.

"The day of the funeral I saw my father again. His face was cold. He had lost most of his money but was still trying to con his way through life. Never really caring about the consequences. My mother was being buried in the charity plot, she was in a wooden box, strangers had put her in there, and I didn't know if she was frighted or scared. No. she was gone. My father looked at me with so much hatred. He had paid for a priest at least, but once he was finished I asked if we could pray for her. He looked at me and I swear he was about to kill me right there, he turned around and. and. and said 'she's dead, put her in the ground' and he walked away. Just like that he walked away. However, she was gone. She was already gone and rotting. I guess I was supposed to think that she had found some sort of eternal peace. Once everyone left, before they buried her I just played there on top of the box, willing myself to let her go. Hoping that somehow by some possible miracle that she would come back. She might not have been perfect but she was still my mother. However, people die, everything that seemed so solid becomes so meaningless. After a week there was no trace of her, but it didn't matter. She still lived in my heart. I had no choice but to life with my father. Though just like my mother he loved his alcohol more than he could ever possibly love me. For three years we would fight, scream and yell. I would take the hits because I honestly thought that I deserved them, that they would somehow make me a better person in my father's eyes. However, it never worked. He tried to send me away, he ignored me, he threw me away, and spent his time chasing girls half his age, but suddenly he was gone." Tony stopped, breathing heavily and Gibbs knew he was in shock. Slowly he raised his hand, not wanting to freak the young man, he grasped the back of his neck and stroked his thumb across his brown hair, Tony seemed to calm down at this simple gesture, and Gibbs still did not speak, not trusting his voice, but he silently willed Tony to go on. He had come this far, he needed to stop bottling thing up and let go. He gave Tony a stare that told him to keep talking, and evidently he got the message.

I have this memory of her; we would spend hours just watching movies her arms around me, keeping me warm in the cold weather. She was safe and well, no drugs or alcohol. We would watch movies whenever we were sad or lonely. There would always be a movie playing at our house, epically when Dad was on another business trip. I barely saw him, and I think he like it that way. However, those memories, those movies there the only good thing I have of her. That beats the betrayal, even if she betrayed me a thousand times. In addition, no matter what I would always remember that she loved me. Even if she forgot. She seemed to forget all the time. All the time. All. All the time. But I guess we remember what we choose."

"I was 15 when I went out in the world. What's a home anyway? A roof? A bed? A place where when you go there, they have to take you? If so, then I was 15 when I became homeless, I had let down everyone who had ever believed in me. I knew at that moment I had to make a choice. I could submit to everything that was happening and live a life of excuses... or I could push myself. I could push myself and make my life good.

Sometimes I feel like there is skin upon the world. In addition, those of us who are born under it, can see threw it? We just can't get through it, but I want to stand on the sidewalk with people and not be so far below them. I'm smart. I know I can succeed. I just need a chance. A chance to climb out of this place that I was born in. Everyone I knew was angry and tired. They were just trying to survive. However, I knew that there is a world out there that was better. And I want to live in it." Gibbs heart swelled as he heard that declaration. Despite everything the world had burdened Tony with he was still strong enough, still smart enough to change his circumstances. That was his boy. He knew it wouldn't have been as simple as moving on but he knew the courage it took to be able to change your life so drastically.

Gibbs had to fight to keep the anger at bay. His mind was running circles on what to do, what to say. How could a family fall apart like this? It was times like this that he wished he could hug this man and take away all that pain. Take away all the insecurities that haunt him every day, be the knight that helps him fight away the dragons. If only he could take away all the pain in the world.

He hugged Tony tight to his cheats as he cried, trying to convey how sorry he was for ever leaving. Mexico was a mistake, he knew it now and he should have known it then.

"the world is always changing I guess, I was just a speck, everything can happen without me, someone else's needs are always more important, I guess people just get frustrated with how harsh life can be and they spend their time dwelling on that frustration they become angry, keeping their eyes shut to the whole situation, to all the little tiny things that have come together to make it what it is. I will always love them Gibbs, but then you came into my life; you offered me a job, a chance. No one has ever done that before. Then you left too. And I just couldn't take it anymore, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry …" he began to sob into Gibbs chest and they sat there, comforting each other until the sobs began to quite.

"Tony. Look at me." He waited until he had full eye contact with him, "you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have left you, I should have stayed, but I promise you now that I'm not going anywhere. I'll make it up to you I promise; I'll help you through this. You're right, you like a son to me," Gibbs ignored the intake of breath and the tears that began to once again flow. "I won't abandon you again…come on the spare room is made up. Let's get you to sleep." In addition, with that Gibbs guided the tired young man up the stairs and into the spare room, stripping him down to his boxers Gibbs made sure he was comfortable before sitting in the rocking chair next the bed. He wasn't going to leave his agent. Not tonight, he had a lot to make up for and starting tomorrow he will try to put this right….

THR END?

So what do you think? Hope you liked it. I was thinking of a sequel but not sure… any prompts are welcome

Please review it would mean the world to me. Any comments are welcome, if you loved it or hated it, what I can do better anything!


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